chasin_my

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Sep. 29th, 2009 @ 10:07 am Hamsterwheel

I'm not posting because I'm needing a new computer and a new car. Nothing new has happened anyway, other than the self imposed gradual loss of 'my things'. I don't care to elaborate nor comment right now.

Hope everyone else is well.

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Sep. 2nd, 2009 @ 08:26 am I'm a Bum

Current Location: Bumsville
Current Mood: bummed out

Tags: lack of recovery , self-help

I am still alive, not that it matters because at the time I am a drain on everyone and everything. dead wood. drift wood, whatever. I don't do shit, am boring, and pretty much a complete loser. I don't hate myself, but I'm not liking myself. Or do I ? I get to do whatever pleases me (within limitations, usually monetary) throughout the whole day, only have to walk the pets, and feed myself and them. Remember to take meds so I can answer yes to that same question, and have virtually no responsibility. I don't even pay my bills. I have reached official bum status.

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Aug. 23rd, 2009 @ 05:46 am Searching For a Miracle

Current Mood:

calm

Tags: recovery

I haven't been posting because really there's nothing to post about? I'm doing the same shit or rather lack of doing shit everyday. I've only a couple days clean (well, one - yesterday) and can't say how long I'll manage. I keep saying I'll go to na, look at the book, plan the meeting I'm going to go to, then don't go. I did get a new counselor since the one I'd been seeing over the past 5 plus years really didn't give me any feedback. And I did mention to her I didn't think I should be in counseling for forever and a day - please help me fix the problem and let me move on aka turn the page. I want healing not managed misery.

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Jul. 19th, 2009 @ 12:06 pm HP

Current Mood:

envious

beliefnet.com: >>>>>>Gandhi, or Bapu (father), was a Hindu devotee who dedicated his life to satya, or the pursuit of truth. He believed that love, respect, and truth were the underpinnings of all religions and the basic foundation for a moral life. As he famously once said when asked if he was a Hindu, “Yes I am. I am also a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist and a Jew.” With the indomitable spirit of Gandhi in mind, we’ve chosen ... "

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"The Benefit of Prayer "

"Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart. " ????????????? Gandhi

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Jul. 12th, 2009 @ 10:37 pm Group Think aka Stuck On Stupid

Current Mood:

amused

Sober24.com :

I'm beginning to think the NA way isn't for me. I'll take what I can and shit can the rest. Brainwashed fucks. we this and I this the book says, NO it was YOU, not me. fuck off bunch of whiners

moving on to a more Rational Recovery (google it)

In recovery and I'm gonna make it; go ahead and keep relasping and running back to your tables/confessionals.

FU,
'chasin' (but almost got it)

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Jul. 12th, 2009 @ 10:25 pm (no subject)

Current Mood:

irritated

When things go wrong...

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint on the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things go wrong that you mustn't quit.

—Unknown

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Jul. 12th, 2009 @ 09:08 pm What a charming estate...has me in a state, for sure.

Current Location: falling apart blvd
Current Mood:

crushed
Current Music: the fan, t.v., and my keyboard

Tags: home # 987

I don't know what in the hellfire is going on in this house, which I specifically chose because I thought I wouldn't have any maintenance issues, over a larger house that while needing some upkeep may have been a better fit size wise. What broke today? Dishwasher, washing machine, and a pipe in the basement is leaking. Not to mention the earwigs, windows that won't open, or are extremely difficult to. I'm po'd. Looney as it may be this house is getting cleansed of negative energy and blessed pronto. It's turning 0n me and I don't think it's cute anymore.

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Jul. 12th, 2009 @ 09:30 am Power of...

Current Mood:

crazy

I'm a little cheesed at the moment, but with each passing second it's subsiding, so that's good. I'm cheesed at a whole community (not on lj, elsewhere) , isn't that fab? and ridiculous. Bah!

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Jul. 11th, 2009 @ 09:43 pm I steal Meme? I even steal some answers.,

Current Mood:

calm

TEN ARE YOUS
► Are you single? Not now.
► Are you happy? Not really.
► Are you bored? Yes.
► Are you sad? a little
► Are you angry? a little
► Are you Italian? a little.
► Are you German? Nein.
► Are you Asian? Uh uh.
► Are you Irish? a little
► Are your parents still married? yes and no.

TEN FACTS
► Birth Place? Detroit
► Hair Color? brown
► Hair Style? Fabulous
► Eye color? blue
► Birthday? see profile
► Mood? honest.
► Age? not that honest
► Lefty or Righty? Right.
► Summer or Winter? both
► Morning or Afternoon? morning.

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love? I'm attached, but yes
► Do you believe in love at first sight? Nope, I believe in getting to know the person.
► Who ended your last relationship? he did
► Have you ever been hurt? sure
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I hope not.
► Are you friends with your ex? I'd like to think so.
► Are you afraid of commitment? No
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? yes.
► Have you ever had a secret admirer? I don't know? It's probably still a secret or non existent.
► Have you ever broken your own heart? it's broke now

TEN THIS OR THAT
► Love or Lust? Love with some spice?
► Lemonade or Iced tea? ice tea
► Cats or Dogs? both
► A few best friends or many regular friends? one old best friend, none currently
► Television or Internet? both
► Pepsi or Coke? Coke.
► Pink or Purple? purple
► Day or Night? Fun works anytime.
► IM or Phone?phone.

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
► Been caught sneaking out? I don't think so? maybe.
► Fallen off the stairs? fell down.
► Went water rafting? THAT SOUNDS FUN, I WANT TO!
► Finished an entire jawbreaker? yes many.
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? um, ,yah
► Prank called a store? No. I wouldn't do that. D:
► Skipped School? of course
► Wanted to disappear? Many many times. I never want to kill myself, I'd rather just not exist.

TEN PREFERENCES
► Smile or Eyes? eyes
► Light or Dark Hair? dark.
► Fat or Skinny? Depends
► Shorter or Taller? also depends
► Intelligence or Attraction? both
► Jock or Nerd? both
► Hook-up or Relationship? both.
► Funny and poor OR Rich and serious? Rich and serious. But, with a sense of humor.
► Play the guitar or into sports? Guitar.

TEN LASTS
► Last Phone Call/Text? don't recall
► Last phone call you received? my dad
► Last person you hung out with? my hubby?
► Last person you hugged? my daughter
► Last person you IM'ed? prefer not to say
► Last thing you ate? chocolate cake
► Last thing you drank? coffee
► Last site you went to? my email
► Last place you were? CVS

RELATIONSHIPS
► Are you in a committed relationship? i already said yes
► Do you want to be? not sure
► When was your last relationship? current
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? not sure.
► Do you still love them? not sure
► Do you like someone right now? no

FAMILY
► Do you and your family get along? Depends
► Would you say you have a "fucked up life"? somewhat
► Have you ever run away from home? not sure
► If so, how long? N/A
► Have you ever gotten kicked out? yes, but not from school?
► If so, how long? not forever

FRIENDS
► Do you secretly hate one of your friends? No.
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends? Definately not.
► Do you trust all your friends? No
► Who knows everything about you? I think every other person knows a thing or two about me. Otherwise, me.

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Jul. 11th, 2009 @ 08:59 pm Pass the Salt please

Current Mood:

aggravated

Decent day. Still sober. Had one beer yesterday and day before, but that doesn't count. I was thirsty for something cold...
do I really need to rationalize it? Waste of energy. I do what I do. Hubby is still here, we have until Monday to camel our sex, love, and attention.

Saw B today, was an okay visit. Played Yahtzee, watched as B helped K put together a ship. Well, I painted my nails and toes as they did. As long as we all got to be in the same room. I miss that.

Asked mom for a decorative plate (heirloom me please) and was denied for now. I'm searching for one 'just right for my kitchen wall'. I did wind up getting a plate from her afterall though. B and her baked a cake yesterday of which I was promised some. Paper plates were too big for my portion (better off on your hips than .....) so I got a damn plate with the cake. She did say to return it.   But I got a plate. : /..
I'll find MY plate eventually.     Until then I'll just stare at the blank wall wishing a plate was there. Great now I went from serene to pissed.

I enjoyed this: http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200803_happy/3       Better read it again.

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Jul. 9th, 2009 @ 09:40 pm I bolded my favorites

Current Mood: dorky

Borrowed from www.sober24.com/

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey
is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up
to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will
this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone and everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

_____________________________

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Jul. 9th, 2009 @ 08:49 pm I Should Have Went To the Beach Today

Current Location: home
Current Mood:

annoyed
Current Music: t.v.background, wow fight backgroun

still sober dammit not happy about it wanting a beer and a joint boo hoo

triggers: unattentive hubby, turned down for B visit, I'm tired and because of the former two a bit depressed.
Ignoring the above: today was decent all and all. New internet connection is Finally working right, so I can ditch the gsm aircard that kept dropping my connection every five minutes and cost twice what this one does. I got some exercise by walking the dogs which makes them and me happy. Goodnote: Then my hubby did come for a short walk with me (no dogs this time) which is rare, but now he's glued to the couch again playing WOW. BUT, yes I'm grateful he's here at all.

I need some sun.

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Jul. 4th, 2009 @ 10:15 am Happy 4th!! Kaboom

Current Location: desk
Current Mood:

cheerful
Current Music: xm spa

Tags: general

day 7 clean, taking meds

my hubby honey comes home today - due in about 2hrs!! Haven't seen in over 2 wks

I'm am 80% organized, just some pics to hang, general cleaning, B's room, and go through stuff in basement. I still haven't found my wall clock. I miss its hourly chime. kept me focused , on well,what time it is

I filed a complaint with the BBB re: the movers. I was overcharged by $84.50 , they broke and scuffed stuff, I feel violated and taken advantage of jerks

Will be seeing B this evening...looking forward to it...I miss her every second

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Jul. 2nd, 2009 @ 07:39 am Still Chasin'

Current Mood:

contemplative

Not much has changed since my last entry in March. Hubby's still on the road, I'm still struggling to maintain sobriety, and my daughter is still with my mom. The last two I can change, if only April, May, and June - not sure what happened, I think I basically just treaded water. I did begin the Intensive Outpatient Rehab in May, but stopped going by June. I hIave had at the the most a couple weeks of sobriety at a time, but I last used this Saturday past (again for the last time?). I moved on June 23rd to a smaller house since it's pretty much just me and the pets. It's a two bedroom ranch, actually pretty cute and less to clean. So their's the marital bedroom and my daughter's room which is sad because again, it's only me here. Kevin (hub) is on the road most of the time coming home twice a month. He's yet to see the new house. I'm holding on to the hope that I'll find myself a fit parent again, and do what I must to get B back with me as its been 7 mths since she went to live at grandma's. I got back on my bipolar meds after an 'accidental' Xanax/Tylenol PM overdose in early June so I took myself to the hospital to drink charcoal. The med hospital sent me to a psych hospital where I lost 7 days of my life. I take Cymbalta, Lamictal, and Respidol, Xanax as needed. The theory is that my brain chemistry is off, which leads me to try and self-medicate with street drugs. I've been doing okay since on my meds, although I've relapsed twice since getting out of the hospital. Which has led me to start NA meetings again, and I'm getting a new counselor. I'm out of chances as far as my husband goes, and new beginnings in general. I must get it right this time.

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Mar. 9th, 2009 @ 02:20 am Lost never to be found

Current Location: hub's truckin laptop in liv rm
Current Mood:

crushed
Current Music: t.v. "...here in my rm dreamin bout u & me..."

Tags: recovery

Still alive, still kickin'... Just wanted to pop in and say hello... Working on getting and staying clean, and am now surveying the aftermath of my life's destruction. Sold computer so, I will update with whines, bitches, and poor me moans when I can. Current goals: get 30 days, get car (totaled one, repoed other), and get daughter back from my mom (Limited Guardianship in place, somewhat voluntary, but in lieu of my cleanliness no longer necessary?). Anyhoo... working on getting back on track...again and maybe for the last time. I'll be 34 in Apr. so I suppose its time to grow up?

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Jan. 9th, 2009 @ 09:17 pm Update

Current Mood:

content

We are getting another chance to catch up by our landlord, so thankfully I can stop looking for a smaller house to pay the same if not more money for...we're really getting a good deal here. Although the thought of having a fenced yard, and maybe a sidewalk was appealling (dirt road, no fences here). But, there's always something anywhere you (I) go. Of the two houses I looked at one didn't have a dishwasher and the other had only a one car garage. No, no, no! I was kind of limited because I was trying to keep B in the same school. For the time being were staying put. Yah! And we can't buy yet, and I finally got K to say okay. But the loan person said we have to wait two years after a bankruptcy discharge (start the clock...).

K's on the move with his truck and partner, and took our dog Copper the Beagle. I miss him being around, but we manage to fight on the phone just fine.

Being that's it's B and I, and the fact that we are way in the hole, I have straightened up considerably. No choice now - it's sink or swim. I got a doggy paddle going on. Have low motivation, but am chipping away at the things that need to be done, and am mostly functional. Sleep too much, eat too much, and have started taking xanax again (it's prescribed for anxiety). Despite all that, I've got the nonextinguishable spark of hope that gets me up in the morning and helps me accomplish small tasks that will add up over time.

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Jan. 4th, 2009 @ 06:54 pm There's always tomorrow.

Current Mood: too many to mention
Current Music: piano

Things I accomplished today: remained functional through various moodswings with the assistance of niravam, online anti-anxiety resources, and a Psycology Today magazine article about staying in 'the present'; did some dishes, cooked dinner, reviewed homework with B and made sure she's ready to return to school tomorrow; dusted, cleaned and organized home 'office'.

Things I didn't accomplish today that I wish I had: give Caribou a bath (she stinks), go to church (need to pray), take down Christmas deco's (sick of looking at them), given dogs a walk (we all need the exercise), more housework (it's a wreck).

Things I must do before midnight: Get to bed (been staying up into the wee hours lately), and watch more of the History channel's "Seven Deadly Sins" episodes (strangely drawn to it).

All for now...

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Jan. 4th, 2009 @ 06:17 pm Dust Me Off

Current Location: Land of Hope
Current Mood:

contemplative
Current Music: Sirius Online - Spa Music for the mind and soul

Tags: reflections

Still here still breathing ever grateful for the new day for the new year for the chance to stand up and try again

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Dec. 29th, 2008 @ 10:39 am Chasin' the dream...

I seem to be gaining motivation and willpower. The only thing about waking up from my "fogs" is realizing what I've lost, what I need to regain, and having to figure out how to fix it all. I have actively begun looking for work which is a big step. I don't think I want to sit home all day while B's in school, plus we need the money. Were supposed to be out of this house by Jan.9th, but I'm going to wind up squatting because we have to gather money to either beg to stay here or move.

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Dec. 27th, 2008 @ 10:40 am Change in my pocket

Current Mood:

scared

The winds of change are blowing around here and its a little unnerving. My hubby left this morning to start a new job that'll put him on the road the majority of the time. He's going to be a team driver with another guy from the company they just left, where they had both been for over five years. He's convinced this is a good financial move for him/us, but I won't believe it until I see it. Right now I just feel - left - . and not right.

Christmas was okay... I had a real hard time getting into any kind of holiday spirit (going back to Halloween) this year. They all just seemed played out to me this time around. Halloween I skipped out on Trick or Treating, and Thanksgiving I was absent for dinner. I managed to make it to Christmas dinner in somewhat good spirits. There are no New Years plans.

Anyway, I think after the New Year I'll look for part-time work again. And pray we scrape together money so we can stay in this house.

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